thought at work

dad, on photos of Led Zeppelin today: “What was most surprising to me is how good Jimmy Page looks in the picture. I’ve seen a lot of Plant and Jones in recent years but have not seen Page. Plant looks like a grizzled old hobo, Jones looks like any old factory Joe, while Page looks like a high rolling executive. Just goes to show what drugs can do for you.”

i think i’m finally starting to settle back into my skin. maybe it’s part of my body and mind’s winter preparations, but it sure feels nice. 

have you ever questioned what you’re worth? have you ever doubted it? ever doubted who you are?

i have. or rather, (in the interest of full disclosure) i am currently in the process of doing so. and i guess i ignorantly thought i’d finished this whole existential crisis mess many years ago. wrong again. i had no clue. 

i know there’s lots of junk in life that can cause this crisis of worth. hell, i feel like the majority of college was a battle to figure out and come to terms with my self-worth. but in retrospect, that seems very minor. there were only one or two instances where i seriously questioned my identity—as a friend, a human, a social worker. 

however, at present, it seems like this is all i’m doing. or perhaps that’s not fair to say, because i don’t let myself think about it often enough to have it consume the majority of my time. but the past couple days, i feel my happy-go-lucky, laid-back, optimistic walls once again starting to crumble. in the middle of perfectly normal conversations, i find my eyes filling up and my throat tightening with tears. i think it’s because i’ve realized, in all honesty, that i have nothing to talk about, nothing to offer. my life is the most mundane it’s ever been. what can i say to my roommates when they come home from work and asked how my day has been? i went to the grocery store. i went to the gym. i went to the park. i volunteered. i had yet another job interview. (mind you, i would never have all of those in the one day anymore. i may die of overstimulation if that happened at this point). a friend came over the other night and asked, “so what’s new with you?” i didn’t have an answer. blank. nothing. absolutely nothing is new. at all. i felt like i had been socked in the gut. what has my life come to when i have no answer at all to that question?

one of my dearest friends is getting married this weekend, and i’ve been in full-on wedding slave mode this week doing random errands and tasks for her. she keeps thanking me again and again for my work, and i keep telling her that she doesn’t understand. this is the most purpose i’ve had for months. make favors? ok. i can do that. there is a distinct beginning and end to that. it’s a task. it’s concrete. god, how i’ve longed for something concrete in my life recently. something to feel accomplished about, in even the tiniest form. as relatives were swarming her house today, several of them stopped and complimented the project i was working on. i found myself practically glowing from the feedback. i did something. something i was good at. it was a damn craft project, and i was near tears from the sheer joy of doing it well. i know. that’s remarkably pathetic. 

and that’s when i realized that i’ve had nothing to derive worth from lately. i’m so depleted in worth that i feel ridiculously bolstered just by finishing one art project for a friend. i used to find much (way too much) of my worth in being a good friend to people. throw in a sprinkle for being a good student. add a dash for feeling like a good and competent social work professional. mix it all together and voila. a lovely, neat product: my identity. but what to do when you’ve lost it? and how do you get it back? i realize, objectively, that it’s a very bad sign that i feel like i’ve lost my identity and self worth simply because i’m unemployed. obviously i have hobbies, i have friends, i have things in my life even though there’s a big hole where “job” should be. but that’s the thing: when your identity is so closely tied to your career, because your career is so closely tied to your passions, what happens when that career is non-existent? i’m still trying to figure that out. all i know is i’ve never in my life been so in doubt about every aspect of myself and my abilities as i am at present. and that blows. 

i’m going to be a really shitty retiree, aren’t i?

pretty sure life would be 100% better if we were all just a little bit braver. 

i’m trying to keep that in mind.